You never realize how bad things have become until it’s too late. What I mean by too late is, something has been destroyed or lost; someone has been damaged. When I accepted my role in all of this turmoil, it was begrudgingly, I’ll admit. How can I once again take responsibility for someone else’s actions? How can I belittle my self-worth in order to spread the blame to make it more palatable for her? I was in denial, furious denial… the worst sort. I was so hurt that I couldn’t admit to myself what I knew to be true. I had buried it under a thick layer of self pity that I had been nurturing as a form of defense against the other part of myself that would never be able to forgive who I had let myself become, a co-addict. I finally allowed my mind to rewind back to that first time that we drank together. Hmmm, I bought the bottle… then to the first time we snorted cocaine, who’s idea was that again? And the story goes on and on. As difficult as it has been for me to cope with my role in all of this, it feels so much lighter when I move. Yes, I fucked up! Okay, it’s okay! I am partially to blame for the results that landed the person that I love in such a tailspin that she couldn’t hold a job. I’m partially to blame for the pain that we’ve both suffered and the loss of trust. But, as hard as it is to let go of your security blanket, not doing so will inevitably reap more pain. She is currently in rehab, and finally we are both opening up about our roles in all of this. Finally we are focusing on the happiness that we both want out of our life together, and it feels fantastic. I advise everyone to look within before they look outward. Maybe, if I had done that sooner, some of this could have been avoided. Love yourself, live for your happiness, and be honest.

Thank you

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